My Current State of Mind - No Faking

This is an amazingly relaxing day with a light snow falling in Appleton, WI. I think I will pen my thoughts and let you in on a few secrets rolling around in my head today. Sound like fun? Let's go!

I am 39 years old. 39 is amazing - no faking. I have absolutely loved every part of my 30s - good and bad. Below are a few things I have realized in my 30s about life and about me. 

I have never loved people the way I do now. It's not more love. It's different love. A love with compassion. Before I would see a single mom with 2 screaming kids at the grocery store loaded with piercings and tattoos and think to myself - How many bad decisions do you need to make to realize your way is not best? I would see the blood shot eyes of a drunk down town and walk by thinking - he made his bed and now he's realizing his consequences. So quick to judge and not looking at my own life. When friends would make bad decisions, I confronted them. When they kept making the same bad decisions, they were no longer my friend. Period. My mouth rolled with opinions - You need to do this. You should stop doing that. What you should have done was this. Talking and not listening. Judging so quickly with a glance from my eyes instead of stopping and looking. I strive to love deeper, with purpose.

I am realizing more and more the true effect of diet and exercise not only on my current health but the future impact of my health. As of this blog post I do not feel pain in my body at all ever. I go to the doctor every year for a physical with no issues. I could camp on this one for about a novel's worth of words so I will try to summarize. I make a choice every day with every bite I eat to either be proactive about my health or reactive. The food I eat is what I give my body to make my bones and skin and muscles etc. As the old saying goes - You are what you eat. I realize I don't want to be wheeled into surgery knowing my choices could have prevented this. My current health and heath in my later years is sculpted by my diet and exercise choices.

I am a self proclaimed hedonistic seeker of pleasure. I hate this about myself and seek to change it. I don't think this is abnormal behavior but working on keeping it in check.

Life is as complicated as you make it. Without kids and a spouse, I fully recognize the simplicity of my life. But, I could say YES to everyone and everything spreading myself so thin my relationships feel the negative impact of this resulting exhaustion. When I feel my life getting too complicated I start saying no. I also realize that every moment doesn't have to be filled or scheduled. Standing still and doing nothing is ok. Having a blank day or two or three is ok. I don't have to always be going. I can make choices to make my life as simple or as complex as I choose. Life is a complicated as you make it.

Everyone learns life lessons when they are ready to and not a moment sooner. The best way to encourage and influence friends is to live it and be an example.

It is never to late to try something new. Never.

No level of communication can change a person's mind unless they are open to change.

My faith has become my own. I am no longer going through the motions of religion but rather embracing my God and listening to his word to guide me. For years I followed step by step in the dos and dont's of religion. Never questioning, just mindlessly floating - that was my fault.

Becoming selfish and self centered can happen to me so much faster because I am single and I'm the only person I have to care for. So, I make choices to give back because I can.

If you are reading this and you are 49, 59, 69, 79 or 89 you remember what it was like to be 39. Where you were at that time. The season of life you were experiencing. Some of you wish you could go back to 39 and make different choices. Some may have made a crossroad decision that changed your life for the better. If you are 9, 19 or 29 my current age of 39 may seem OLD and a lifetime away. It's not old and it will catch up to you in moments.

I am 39 and I know I will blink and be 89. It takes a lifetime to learn how to live and I want to make good choices with purpose. 


A special thank you to my true friend Mark DesJardin for the inspiration to write down these realizations. He, along with his wife Beth, challenge me to live with purpose and compassion.

I love People.

This was the scentence I wrote on an application in the section asking - Is there anything else we should know about you? Interests? Hobbies? Etc. I was 23, and I wrote - I love people.

I stared at the 5 empty lines following this question. I really wanted this job. A sales job for a local newspaper. I submitted what I thought to be a gorgeous resume. Think Shelli! What else should these people know about me???? AKKK! Heart pounding. How do I summarize Shelli Hawkins? Only so much can come out in an interview. First impressions can be SOOOOOOOOO wrong! GRRRR. I sat in the conference room. Struggling. Nervous.

Then it came to me and I wrote - I love people. My brain starting rolling, and my pen began writing. I love people that are happy, tired, angry, young, old, rich, poor, fat. thin, shy, forward. I.LOVE.PEOPLE. YES! I thought to myself! WHEW!

I got the job.

I was not not always this accepting. There were people on campus I was better than, smarter than, prettier, more confident . . . . let's be honest here, I could really go on and on with this list for a long time. Big smile and wink. I often organized little get-togethers with friends choosing them based on the cool factor.

I clearly remember making a choice in college to shed my prejudice of people / no longer a respecter of persons / a snot / cliquey.
I saw a young lady in the hall one day. In past encounters she branded herself to me as awkward, frumpy, shy, insecure, and I knew she was virtuously friendless. This was her problem -- not mine. Never did I swoop in and help the underdog. I did not have time to help people like that. Zero tolerance. I always felt they simply needed to suck it up, put their big girl panties on and DEAL WITH IT! Whatever IT was. Never mind they could have just lost a dear family member or experienced a horrific tragedy unknown to me. WOW WAS I PREJUDICE!!

I looked at her that day. Really looked in her eyes. I made a choice to talk to her. We became friends. She was complex. She was a slow patient deep thinker. My hyper brain needed someone like this and just perhaps she needed someone like me to pull her out of her shell of insecurity. I threw a party with all my friends and all her friends.

I love meditating on critical moments causing the evolution of my current state. Think about that. Think of 3 impactful moments in your life. A fork in the road. Which way? What is the best choice? And how incredibly filled am I with emotion during this decision making moment clouding every ounce of judgement in my otherwise logical brain. When emotions are aroused, will and intellect cease to exits. 

What prejudices do you have that hold you back from expanding, evolving, maturing, growing up?

On a lighter note - I am thankful I no longer have the fro you see below!! This was a good decision. I chose wisely.